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Post by richardk on Feb 12, 2015 14:55:38 GMT
Distance
He saw her from afar as he walked with his Mum
She saw him from afar as they neared the playground
She was shivering, not cold, frightened by the change, home to school
He walked over, nestled her hand in his
He looked at her, she didn’t look back
She smiled at the ground, stopped shivering
‘Can we sit together please Miss?’
‘Why?’
‘We will always be together.’
She smiled and said, ‘yes, OK,
Kids! What do they know?’
Always in the same school
Always in the same class
Always sat together
Always close together
Marriage,
Children,
Grandchildren
Always together
Died, both on the same day
Buried together
Close to each other forever
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Post by johnwatts05 on Feb 13, 2015 18:45:43 GMT
There is nothing like a good old fashioned Romantic poem and this is close
This for me is the best of your 3, especially the first 2 verses; but there is one aspect I must mention
After the opening you change gear entirely, this is to my mind quite acceptable to move things along but I
think a return to the romantic style you started with is needed to round it off effectively. For instance
the last 2 lines are excellent but could be expanded " roses round the vault ,birds tweeting etc" you know the sort of thing
I think it needs that balance ! I wonder what you think ?
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Post by richardk on Feb 14, 2015 8:52:22 GMT
Hi John
Thanks for your comments, I see what you mean about balance. I have tried to improve it.
Distance
He saw her from afar as he walked with his Mum.
She saw him from afar as they neared the playground.
She was shivering, not cold, frightened by the change, home to school.
He walked over, nestled her hand in his,
he looked at her, she didn’t look back,
she smiled at the ground, stopped shivering.
‘Can we sit together please Miss?’
‘Why?’
‘We will always be together.’
She smiled and said, ‘yes, OK,
Kids! What do they know?
Always together, huh!’
Always the same school,
the same class,
sitting together,
close together.
Marriage,
children,
grandchildren.
A journey through the years,
many changes but always together.
Died, on the same day
Buried together for eternity,
holding hands in the cold,
no fear any more, no separation,
close to each other forever.
Marked by primroses and daffodils near the yew,
clasped in Mother Earth’s tender embrace.
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Post by johnwatts05 on Feb 14, 2015 16:02:51 GMT
Hi Richard
Yes that is better in terms of line structure, but I hope you will accept further nit-picking in good faith -- as poetry does accord so much to individuals personal preference
In my mind it does not return to the romance evoked in the first verse, which essentially described the few moments of a tender meeting. This is because it continues in the middle verse itemised style rather than presenting one complete picture like the first . We can discuss this on Friday if you like.
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